For lack of better words

She sits in pain from a recent virus oh, her kids cry in the background she wonders what would it be like if she had a spouse that helped. 

normally she overcomes all things thrown at her but illnesses the one time she can't get to her children because she's detained elsewhere. She feels helpless and like a poor mother though she knows she's no. The sounds of her baby crying just caused the illness to feel all the more painful. She wishes it over then quickly says is she just wants to be done with the illness and not to die. She feels silly saying that's because she knows God is good, however life has been so crappy she just can't help but wonder if she didn't say she wanted to live she would die.

she's been oppressed for so long her emotions are mostly anger and bitterness. She loves her children beyond measure otherwise it's hard to love and very hard to trust. 

Daily she was reminded that she is unloved and uncared-for. She know she still has purpose in spite of these things but it does make it challenging. Only God knows her heart only God cares. That's enough.  And she does still long for a sincere word a sincere touch a sincere act of kindness from those who say they love her. She doesn't know if the day will ever come. And so she does what she's called to do, she tries to smile and act as if everything is okay. She doesn't try to be fake, she only tries not to show herself a victim. She knows that angers people when she has"excuses", so she tries to keep it to yes/no answers. She tries not to be asked, in life she is mostly invisible until it comes to needing help four things that she can't help with. Time she can help she's not needed. And it's hard to live not able but excuseless.

It's obvious there's something about her that turns people off. She isn't quite sure what it is. She believes it's her but she hopes it's that God just needs her to not be attached.

For now she will go on existing a servant only. She will go on with her needs not met and unloved. Maybe in time she will know what it feels like before it's too late.  She knows she's replaceable because anybody can find another servant. She doesn't have much time other than to be a servant that's guaranteed always. Rest is not guaranteed, only exhaustion is. Exhausted unloved servant returns back to her business. Smile pretty, comb your hair, stand up straight, don't look sad... you are blessed.